I wished to dump a little satirical piece (a friend of mine and) I wrote for an English assignment most recently:
Female related accidents are
nothing new. The stereotype is all too familiar and delicious: a woman driving
her oversized SUV is adjusting her eyeliner, or chatting away on her cell
phone, oblivious to reality, and unceremoniously “mates” with a telephone pole.
Frankly, the stereotype can be expanded to most any specie of vehicle,
including the cute little 3-series or Altimas that women seem to flock to
(depending on economic status or whatever their girlfriends are driving), but
the most familiar scenario most always involves some sort of SUV.
Women are the bane of proficient
drivers everywhere. On a freeway, a woman driving an SUV is essentially an
unguided volatile missile with lipstick. At 65-70, you are at a respectable
speed. It is certainly no time to be reading a magazine, nor is it the time to
have a heated argument with your boyfriend over why he doesn’t spend enough
time with you, or why he’s crashing over at his buddy’s instead of spending the
night with you. This only brings up the next topic: passengers.
Fear courses through the veins of
passengers, strapped helpless to a rocket controlled by an unpredictable
creature of indecisiveness and raw inability to command a vehicle, as every
moment they are alive, they pray to their respective deity. Their life
expectancy is accelerated against their will, and they are powerless to do
Female drivers are a danger to
themselves, to others on the road, and to any passengers mentally afflicted
enough to test their faith in the driving proficiency of the woman who holds
their very life in her erratic manicured hands.
I suggest we just eat all the
women. If they prove too unappetizing, as is the case with the ugly, skinny, or
overweight types, then we can just revert back to the 1950’s American Dream, in
which women found their adventures in the kitchen, not on the road.
The troubles of drivers do not end
with the female gender, however. An equally great threat exists. The threat, of
We all know the infamous “perpetual
left turn signal,” the one pet peeve everyone has: you see a person with his
turn signal intermittingly blinking for several miles, wondering when he is
going to turn. Yet, he never turns it off, because it doesn’t occur to him that
it’s on. You see, it is because of old age that his hearing has declined. This,
along with a menagerie of other physical and mental problems, is what causes
the elderly population to make shoddy drivers.
Poor eye sight makes for poor
judgments of distance, causing accidents left and right. Not to mention, old
age causes for shrinking in women and you sometimes wonder if the occupant
driving the automobile can see anything above her dashboard or below her
steering wheel. Let’s not forget the extremely short ones who sit about two
inches from the steering wheel, instead of the recommended ten to twelve inches
like the safety regulations suggest. And no one can convince an elderly person
that their driving ability is equivalent to that of a blind bat. If the effort
is actually taken to take on this lost cause, expect a confident response in
the vein of: “You damned kids don’t know squat! I’ve been driving since 19
ought 24 and I’ll be God DAMNED if you think you can take away my
license!” Old people also have a nasty
tendency to weave in and out of traffic.
All of these problems can be easily solved by ridding the elderly of
their Medicare and health benefits. This way they can all die at the age they
were meant to, efficiently cleansing the driver population of accident prone
geriatrics. Another solution could be to simply revoke all licenses from people
70 and over, unless they can pass a hard test that tests their abilities.
Unfortunately, taking an elderly person’s license away would be like taking a baby
away from their mother; grandparents would bitch and moan about how they don’t
have their freedom anymore, despite the fact that they will all soon slip into
a state of dementia and be unable to drive an automobile anyway.
Women have no business driving; they
endanger the lives of themselves and others while trying not to stab themselves
in the eye donning eyeliner at 65 on the freeway. The elderly, on the other
hand, have no reason to drive, seeing as they drive 20 miles under the speed
limit (most often, ironically, in the fast lane), causing understandable road
rage, and endanger lives with their dangerous road maneuvers.
Chauvinistic (50% misogynistic), insensitive gold.
EDIT: It has come to my immediate attention that the Superbowl is taking place tonight! I trust that our
American football team is laying waste to the opposition. Go Yankees!
Rah rah rah!
Lay your head to rest…