= JFK

A cookie to anyone who understands.

God I’m so fucking smart. I jammed my middle finger hitting a wall
while attempting to restrain my Doberman who was adjacent to said wall.
It came in perpendicularly to create a normal with critical velocity.
Now my middle finger’s fucking swollen and it’s blue under the nailbed.
Super.

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End of my workweek. Sigh of relief. Tomorrow’s Friday and then my long awaited weekend.

I want to finish the 30 pages of The Da Vinci Code I have left at
Barnes sometime tomorrow, provided that the Book Nazi doesn’t come with
a German Luger to harass me some more.

Essay was easy shit today.

My nephew’s birthday was today. Kid’s 5 now. Damn I’m old.

New pic.

Isn’t it amazing how writing can be (mis)construed?

I could say: “I love my niece and nephew.”

And you drooling morons would translate it to: “lyk OMG
child rapist!”

If you are ever mentioned in my writing (in a negative light
or otherwise), I will never include your last name. In fact, I may even go so
far as to change your fucking name altogether. I respect privacy, to an extent
anyway. But the shit I’m hearing is fucking ludicrous. If you see your name on
some occasion, bask in the publicity, show off to all your friends, whatever
the fuck you do, but stop freaking out over complete fucking nonsense. Esoteric
to most, but you know who you are.

 

I have pressing matters to address. Let us make haste.

 

  1. I took
    the HIPAA Security Basics Training Program in the pharmacy today. Load of
    shit. Don’t steal money. Don’t give your password to your coworkers. Don’t
    install viruses. Such tasty morsels of information seem almost as obvious
    as “Don’t drink Drano” and “Don’t swallow your spit while taking a
    breath.”

I thought this was funny. Apparently, 80% of workers in a certain Dallas
company had a password that was a derivative of the word “cowboys.” Fucking
rednecks.

  1. I am
    told that I am to write a persuasive essay tomorrow, one that will
    determine my eligibility towards entering English Comp 1 + 2. Frankly, I’m
    confident in my writing and excited about a class where I can just write.
    Literary nirvana, I would think. I demolished Dwayne during the HSPAs,
    what could be so much harder about this one?
  2. I am
    slowly crawling out of my H.I.M. stint. Replacing them is Hoobastank.
  3. New South
    Park in a half hour. I am
    excited.
  4. Meh,
    Daniel presses me to describe my “perfect lover.” To be blunt, one who has
    a brain in her skull. I like something to grab onto, too. Want a third one? Fine. Emo=bad.

 

Thus end my pressing matters. Bye now.

I recently found this vomit on a revolting Myspace (link since redacted).
It is not of her authorship (thankfully), but I still bet this young
lady feels awful clever to have such a handle on sarcasm and its many
uses! Boy!

I plan to demolish this nonsensical diatribe with each and
every one of its points. Onward ho!

12 Reasons Gay Marriage Shouldn’t Be Allowed.

Current mood: satisfied

1. Homosexuality is not natural, much like eyeglasses,
polyester, and birth control.

Much to your sarcasm and wit’s chagrin,
homosexuality is NOT natural, from a marital perspective, anyhow. Gay marriage
is not legal, and has not been as of yet, thus it is unnatural (AGAIN, from a
marital perspective).

2. Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. Infertile
couples and old people can’t legally get married because the world needs more
children.

This is just stupid. Nobody is even
arguing this point. Delving into your caustic remarks, I assume you think that
a reason against homosexual marriage is the fact that they cannot produce children.
Oooh, big fucking whoop. Have you thought of adoption? I’m sure there’s a
little shit out there on the street looking for a family. Granted, he’d
probably prefer a mom and dad rather than dad and bitch, but still, this point
is null and void.

3. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only
raise straight children.

Do you really want to
say that having the influence of two gay parents will result in a normal
functioning straight kid? Give me a fucking break. That’s like saying that
living with a pack of hyenas will result in an herbivore.

4. Straight marriage will be less meaningful, since Britney Spears’ 55-hour
just-for-fun marriage was meaningful.

Stupid. Not being argued. Britney Spears
is an anomaly. Using her as an example is a cheap shot. Normal couples do not
do that. And anyway, I think the whole idea behind “meaning” in marriage is “sanctity
of marriage”, in which gay marriage is unnatural (see your Rule 1.)

5. Heterosexual marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all;
women are property, blacks can’t marry whites, and divorce is illegal.

Okay…so gays have been
stealing chocolate for generations. So? They haven’t been getting legally
married, dumbass. It has nothing to do with the present.



6. Gay marriage should be decided by people not the courts, because the
majority-elected legislatures, not courts, have historically protected the
rights of the minorities.

You really think the people are deciding
this? I mean, am I reading into your razor wit correctly here? You ACTUALLY
think the government (as if it’s a single organic being) is PRO gay marriage?
It’s like the government is just a big gay loving monster and the nasty people
are saying “No no no!” The government is split between hippy douches like you
and the rational thinkers; it isn’t up to them to decide with a single vote.

7. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the
values of one religion are imposed on the entire counrty [sic]. That’s why we
have only one religion in America.

Oh fucking bullshit.
If you want to run with this, why don’t you found the
Church of Chocolate Thieves, kay? You’ll have a solitary religion for all gays to join under and
then you will overthrow Christianity, Judaism, Buddhism, and the two thousand
plus years of what they stand for. Yeah, great plan.



8. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging
around tall people will make you tall.

Oh yes, because
sexuality, something that is expressed by mannerisms is comparable to height, a
physical quality. Boy, you’re just an overflowing barrel of intelligence.



9. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior.
People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and
can sign a marriage contract.

You are absolutely
hilarious. You used an outlandish example to try and make your point sound
better! How clever. Legalizing gay marriage will legalize gay marriage. Vaginas
will not start talking.



10. Children can never suceed [sic] without a male and a female role model at
home. That’s why single parents are forbidden to raise children.

See Rule 3. Sure you
can succeed, if you want to deal with gay discrimination in the work field.
“Good luck getting that executive position, Billy! Oh wait, sweetie, you got a
little smudge, let me get that.”



11. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society. Heterosexual marriage
has been around for a long time, and we could never adapt to new social norms
because we haven’t adapted to cars or longer lifespans.

Idiot. What points are
being argued against what will happen to society with the approval of gay
marriage? I mean, besides fucked up kids growing up to be fucked up adults,
society will be just fine. As for longer lifespans and your assumption (that
you pulled entirely out of your ass) that we have magically “adapted” to it,
check how Medicare is doing sometime.
America is far from adapted to the alarmingly
growing geriatric population. But, fuck that shit. We have a pro-gay
marriage agenda to attend to!



12. Civil unions, providing most of the same benefits as marriage with a
different name are better, because a “separate but equal” institution
is always constitutional. Separate schools for African-Americans worked just as
well as separate marriages for gays and lesbians will.

You moron, this isn’t
fucking
Mississippi in the 1960’s. Gays won’t be openly beaten
out in the streets for being married. “Oh! There’s two married fags! Let’s
beat the shit out of them!” DISCRIMINATION (both in the work field and in
general society), something entirely aside from marriage, is still something
that will occur. No matter how many amendments unions try to make. Besides, you
act as if they’ll be submissive. I mean, do you think they’ll just cower in the
fetal position? Blacks did because the cops were the ones doing the majority of
beatings. There was no higher authority to look up to. But we have
somewhat developed over the past couple decades. There are things like, you
know, LAWS. Quite frankly, I don’t see lynchings flying too well anymore, what
with those pesky laws concerning assault, murder, manslaughter, and every other
conceivable form of inflicted death.

Still feeling satisfied, you dolt?

Pull your head out of your hippy ass.

Hypocritical hippies make me giggle. For the record, I am not anti-gay
marriage, nor am I pro-gay marriage. Rather, I am pro-everyone shutting
the fuck up about as something as inherently insignificant as gay
marriage. Honestly, who gives a fuck?

I wish to recount some of my stories. A greatest hits, if
you will.
 

So without further ado:
 

The Red Bull
Story

The Black Eye
Story

Thanksgiving and
Xbox 360s

Fuck Valentine’s
Day

Angry Husband
(not of my own authorship..obviously)

Mudvayne Concert

System of a Down
Concert

The First Time I
Got Drunk (Part 1)

The First Time I
Got Drunk (Part 2)

The First Time I
Got Drunk (Part 3)

The First Time I
Got Drunk (Part 4)

The First Time I
Got Drunk (Part 5)

The First Time I
Got Drunk (Part 6)

The Infamous Lisa Story (A bit touchy of a tale. Go find it
yourself. Late 2005 [Read: SEPTEMBER] archives.)

I Hate Idiots
(And Other Resolutions)

Old People and
Women Can’t Drive (Satirical Piece)

The Prince
Charming Metamorphosis

Anger Towards the
Fairer Sex

The Ultimate
Hypothesis

 

That about does it, I think. My earlier writings weren’t
exactly as elegant as they are now, and I never really wrote stories as much as
I just rambled on about whatever video game I was playing at the time.
 

Good music.

“Adults with ADHD have higher rates of job loss, divorce,
substance abuse, and incarceration, and lower rates of pay than adults without
ADHD.”
Drug Topics: The Newsmagazine for Pharmacists (March Issue)

 

PHENOMENON.

 

Also, anesthesiologists earn more than Dunkin’ Donuts
employees, a Porsche Carrera GT is faster than a Toyota Echo, and I can read
and spell better than 13 year olds.

“Adolescent depression is common and potentially lethal.” – Tracy Richmond, M.D.

ACTUAL Testimonial From:
Angsty Teenage Subject #32B:

“Darkness enshrouds my soul. There is no escape from
the anguish my heart is victim to. Life has become a meaningless void
since my boyfriend dumped me.”

Just remember kids:

You know what? I want to rant. I’m going to rant right now. And you’re
going to read it. And you may laugh. You may sigh. I couldn’t give a
fuck less. I will have no one mock me for my taste in music. You morons
with your MTV…and your Fallout Boy…and your My Chemical Romance…and
BLEARGHHHH. I just vomited all over my keyboard. I am typing this with
vomit coated keys. You dolts are in the least position to mock
anyone for their taste in music! My music is not forcefed to me via
“the media”. You are comparable to geriatrics on life support. You have
a little feeding tube where you have processed shit
filtered. Only exception is that this shit is being filtered to your
brain and your aural mechanics (I would love for someone to tell me
that I spelled “oral” wrong.) You’re like people who read what Oprah
recommends. And Oprah is fat. How about that? You take orders from a
fat woman. An obese woman. She’s in her own class of obesity, really. Oprehisity.


Hey, Oprah knows best.

Oprah could intimidate a grizzly bear.
Oprah should get a spinoff show, where she is featured wrestling a
menagerie of assorted wildlife. Ranging from a polar bear in the frozen
tundra, all the way to such exotic locales as to where hippopotami
reside. I like that word better than hippopotamuses. Hell, she even
could face off against the wild manatee.

Wait, where was I? Oh yeah, the audacity of the
scenario in which my taste in music comes into question. None of you
can say that you haven’t been in a period where you listen to music
that is questionably…”sappy.” Well you know what? I’M IN THAT PERIOD
RIGHT NOW. So get a ticket and get in line to suck a nut.

Since you’ve been so happy to jump on my dick and try to step to my music, lemme take a whack at YOURS.

You know what stupid band I’ve seen on peoples’ cute “Currently Listening to:” thing recently? Hellogoodbye.

Hellogoodbye? What the fuck is Hellogoodbye? This
is easily the stupidest band name in the universe. Orgy has nothing on
this band. Neither does Powerman 5000. Hellogoodbye. How fucking
pretentious is that? Their album cover has what appears to be an
AVOCADO on it. When your album cover has an avocado on it, you have no
business making music. Ooooh, your album cover has a unique fruit on
it. You’re edgy now. These fellows will serve as the pioneers, nay, the leaders
for future artists to look up to with admiration as they adorn their LP
with starfruits and cranberries. I personally enjoy an avocado sandwich
at
times, but the foodstuff has no business on an album cover. It’s like
putting sulfuric acid in a water bottle. Sure, it’s funny, but it’s
also cruel and unusual.

Hellogoodbye’s album cover. Total erection, right?

Hellogoodbye’s “music” is defined as “synth, power pop, rock dance roll, rock-dance-roll.” (source Google)
Power…pop? WHAT? Those two words do not belong conjoined together like
that. They don’t belong in the same paragraph for that matter. That’s
like saying “classical metal”, “thrash jazz”, and “good rap”; oxymorons
that would tear the fabric of the very universe if ever attempted. Now
then, what the fuck is rock dance roll? I can’t. My brain hurts pronouncing that.

Back to the avocado bit. If Hellogoodbye’s album
cover features an avocado, I shudder in horror of what their raucous
cacophany of musical instruments clashing must sound like. And you know
what? I refuse to listen to a single power pop rock dance roll
utterance out of this avocado fetish group of idiots for fear that my
ears may erupt in a fountain of blood. So there.

I’m done.

The Sacrament

I hear you breathe so far from me
I feel your touch so close and real
And I know
My church is not of silver and gold,
Its glory lies beyond judgment of souls
The commandments are of consolation and warmth

You know our sacred dream won’t fail
The sanctuary tender and so frail
The sacrament of love
The sacrament of warmth is true
The sacrament is you

I hear you weep so far from me
I taste your tears like you’re next to me
And I know
My weak prayers are not enough to heal
Oh the ancient wounds so deep and so dear
The revelation is of hatred and fear

You know our sacred dream won’t fail
The sanctuary tender and so frail
The sacrament of love
The sacrament of warmth is true
The sacrament is you