I recently found this vomit on a revolting Myspace (link since redacted).
It is not of her authorship (thankfully), but I still bet this young
lady feels awful clever to have such a handle on sarcasm and its many
I plan to demolish this nonsensical diatribe with each and
every one of its points. Onward ho!
12 Reasons Gay Marriage Shouldn’t Be Allowed.
Current mood: satisfied
1. Homosexuality is not natural, much like eyeglasses,
polyester, and birth control.
Much to your sarcasm and wit’s chagrin,
homosexuality is NOT natural, from a marital perspective, anyhow. Gay marriage
is not legal, and has not been as of yet, thus it is unnatural (AGAIN, from a
2. Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. Infertile
couples and old people can’t legally get married because the world needs more
This is just stupid. Nobody is even
arguing this point. Delving into your caustic remarks, I assume you think that
a reason against homosexual marriage is the fact that they cannot produce children.
Oooh, big fucking whoop. Have you thought of adoption? I’m sure there’s a
little shit out there on the street looking for a family. Granted, he’d
probably prefer a mom and dad rather than dad and bitch, but still, this point
is null and void.
3. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only
raise straight children.
Do you really want to
say that having the influence of two gay parents will result in a normal
functioning straight kid? Give me a fucking break. That’s like saying that
living with a pack of hyenas will result in an herbivore.
4. Straight marriage will be less meaningful, since Britney Spears’ 55-hour
just-for-fun marriage was meaningful.
Stupid. Not being argued. Britney Spears
is an anomaly. Using her as an example is a cheap shot. Normal couples do not
do that. And anyway, I think the whole idea behind “meaning” in marriage is “sanctity
of marriage”, in which gay marriage is unnatural (see your Rule 1.)
5. Heterosexual marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all;
women are property, blacks can’t marry whites, and divorce is illegal.
Okay…so gays have been
stealing chocolate for generations. So? They haven’t been getting legally
married, dumbass. It has nothing to do with the present.
6. Gay marriage should be decided by people not the courts, because the
majority-elected legislatures, not courts, have historically protected the
rights of the minorities.
You really think the people are deciding
this? I mean, am I reading into your razor wit correctly here? You ACTUALLY
think the government (as if it’s a single organic being) is PRO gay marriage?
It’s like the government is just a big gay loving monster and the nasty people
are saying “No no no!” The government is split between hippy douches like you
and the rational thinkers; it isn’t up to them to decide with a single vote.
7. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the
values of one religion are imposed on the entire counrty [sic]. That’s why we
have only one religion in America.
Oh fucking bullshit.
If you want to run with this, why don’t you found the Church of Chocolate Thieves, kay? You’ll have a solitary religion for all gays to join under and
then you will overthrow Christianity, Judaism, Buddhism, and the two thousand
plus years of what they stand for. Yeah, great plan.
8. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging
around tall people will make you tall.
Oh yes, because
sexuality, something that is expressed by mannerisms is comparable to height, a
physical quality. Boy, you’re just an overflowing barrel of intelligence.
9. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior.
People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and
can sign a marriage contract.
You are absolutely
hilarious. You used an outlandish example to try and make your point sound
better! How clever. Legalizing gay marriage will legalize gay marriage. Vaginas
will not start talking.
10. Children can never suceed [sic] without a male and a female role model at
home. That’s why single parents are forbidden to raise children.
See Rule 3. Sure you
can succeed, if you want to deal with gay discrimination in the work field.
“Good luck getting that executive position, Billy! Oh wait, sweetie, you got a
little smudge, let me get that.”
11. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society. Heterosexual marriage
has been around for a long time, and we could never adapt to new social norms
because we haven’t adapted to cars or longer lifespans.
Idiot. What points are
being argued against what will happen to society with the approval of gay
marriage? I mean, besides fucked up kids growing up to be fucked up adults,
society will be just fine. As for longer lifespans and your assumption (that
you pulled entirely out of your ass) that we have magically “adapted” to it,
check how Medicare is doing sometime. America is far from adapted to the alarmingly
growing geriatric population. But, fuck that shit. We have a pro-gay
marriage agenda to attend to!
12. Civil unions, providing most of the same benefits as marriage with a
different name are better, because a “separate but equal” institution
is always constitutional. Separate schools for African-Americans worked just as
well as separate marriages for gays and lesbians will.
You moron, this isn’t
fucking Mississippi in the 1960’s. Gays won’t be openly beaten
out in the streets for being married. “Oh! There’s two married fags! Let’s
beat the shit out of them!” DISCRIMINATION (both in the work field and in
general society), something entirely aside from marriage, is still something
that will occur. No matter how many amendments unions try to make. Besides, you
act as if they’ll be submissive. I mean, do you think they’ll just cower in the
fetal position? Blacks did because the cops were the ones doing the majority of
beatings. There was no higher authority to look up to. But we have
somewhat developed over the past couple decades. There are things like, you
know, LAWS. Quite frankly, I don’t see lynchings flying too well anymore, what
with those pesky laws concerning assault, murder, manslaughter, and every other
conceivable form of inflicted death.
Still feeling satisfied, you dolt?
Pull your head out of your hippy ass.
Hypocritical hippies make me giggle. For the record, I am not anti-gay
marriage, nor am I pro-gay marriage. Rather, I am pro-everyone shutting
the fuck up about as something as inherently insignificant as gay
marriage. Honestly, who gives a fuck?