So, Oscars last night. Actors and actresses prancing around in their
$8000 suits and dresses, wearing their $450 hairstyles, acting
(pun) like they’re the greatest fucking thing since Hot Pockets.
NEWS FLASH. NOBODY FUCKING CARES HOW PRETTY YOU THINK YOU ARE.
Man, the Oscars piss me off. I watched a 5 minute segment the other
night where they were interviewing Jessica Alba. She looked like she
had a small rodent on her head; I can only assume that’s the “hip”
hairstyle today. Apparently, Miss Alba had a little “lip gloss
emergency” according to the dipshit interviewer. She tittered and
confirmed this state of “emergency.” A better emergency would be if she
was suddenly struck with a heart attack and died. That would rule so
I spent 5 minutes watching this segment and I already felt as if those
were 5 minutes that I will NEVER get back. I could have done so much
with those 5 minutes. Walked my dog. Ate. ANYTHING of productivity. The
Oscars are bullshit. I mean, can you honestly imagine a bigger waste of
time? A 3 hour (I will not be bothered to find out the actual length of
something so inherently insignificant. Eat shit.) bore-a-thon of the
same 5 minute segment of some dumbass actor or actress accepting their
Oscar, and giving thanks to their: friends, family, agents, penises,
and Jesus, because he really had influence on their success. I have
never seen an Oscars in its entirety in my whole life. Just as much as
I’ve never seen a Superbowl in my whole life. You know what? I’m better
than all of you for it too! Inside, you regret the hours you’ve pissed
away on this bullshit and you know it.
I want you to sit back right now and bang off ten things you could do
instead of watch the Oscars that rank a little higher than slamming
your dick in the door on the productivity scale (it has been statistically proven that slamming your dick in the door is indeed more productive than watching the Oscars.) Graphs don’t lie after all.
If you missed the Oscars, wipe up your tears and pat yourself on the
back for not drinking from the river of stupid perpetuated here. At least you didn’t
contribute to the idiocy this particular year. But, what the hell…there’s always next year, right?