Kung Fu Mike is my hero.

Inside the Mind of the Chain Mail Author

Delete. Delete. Delete. Delete…

…AAAARRRRRGGGHHHHHHHH!!!

Is there anything worse than opening your e-mail inbox first thing in the morning to find eighteen tons of spam staring you in the face? Lose 20 pounds in 30 seconds!! Having boner problems? Try these pills!! Make $500,000 your first year buying real estate!! I must spend half an hour every morning sifting through junk, separating the wheat from the chaff like some sleep-deprived migrant farmer.

The other day I got one that I opened by accident, thinking I clicked the delete button (the only thing I can handle pre-coffee are cartoons). I scrolled through the body thinking I was going to find the usual crap, but instead I was surprised to find that it was a chain e-mailing. It wasn’t one of those “send this or die” ones that I’ve grown to love over the years, inside was a list of things that men supposedly should know about women. Why this was sent to me I’ll never know, I was raised in a house full of women…I knew about TSS at the tender age of six, I think I have a good handle on the fairer sex.

After wading my way through the swimming pool filled with feces that was this magical memorandum and picking myself up from the floor from laughing maniacally, only one thought went through my head: Is this a joke? This has to be a joke. What the hell was this guy thinking when he wrote this?

Well, I decided to bless you all with this literary treasure accompanied by what I have painstakingly interpreted as his thought process as he was penning each morsel of wisdom. Bon appetit.

31 Things Guys Should Know About Girls
Written by a guy. After years of experience.

(That’s right ladies, I’ve been around the block a few times. I know, I know, that makes you want me. One at a time.)

1. Whatever you do, don’t just show up at their house…they run around in their underwear just like we do.

(Yes, this is a huuuge problem, running into your girlfriend while she is in her underwear. Oh my virgin eyes, I need to go to church and flail myself with a knotted rope ASAP.)

2. Don’t cheat on them. It may seem foolproof, but girls tell each other everything about everything. Trust me, they WILL find out and you will be mud.

(The girl that you just boned will immediately walk up to your girlfriend and tell her what happened, because she won’t feel like a whore or be afraid to get her extensions ripped out or anything.)

3. Beware of every single male relatives and all guy friends. Any of them would kick your butt at the drop of a hat, and a lot of them wouldn’t even wait for the damn hat.

(Right, because every woman in the world has a fleet of hillbilly, ‘roid raging professional killers that want nothing more than to destroy what makes her happy…and they want to have filthy sex with her, especially the single male relatives. When in contact with these people, immediately fall into the fetal position covering your head with your hands.)

4. Never miss an opportunity to tell them they’re beautiful.

(Or else they will start cutting their arms, rocking back and forth with The Breakfast Club DVD on loop in the background. Comb her hair and tell her she’s pretty while you hide her pill in a glob of peanut butter)

5. Don’t refuse to kiss in front of your friends. If they laugh at you, it’s because they’re jealous.

(Well that, or they are laughing because your girl, without you knowing, fooled around with all of your friends just minutes earlier and didn’t brush her teeth yet. Keep mints handy.)

6. If they slap you hard, you deserved it.

(If you slap her hard, it’s because dinner wasn’t ready when you got home from the steel mill.)

7. Don’t be afraid to touch them if you want to. If they’re going out with you in the first place, it’s because they like being in your arms.

(Unless you are going out with an autistic girl, they freak out with you touch them. Kid gloves fellas, kid gloves.)

8. If you don’t sleep with them, do not tell your friends that you did.

(Because they will want a piece of dat ass as well, and if the homies can’t have none it aint no fun. That’s what my man Nate Dogg taught me.)

–8.5. If you DO sleep with them, don’t tell your friends that you did.

(Be a gentleman. Extend your finger and invite them in for a whiff.)

9. You can be dirty minded in private, really…most of them are not offended by it…

(They especially like it when you talk about bedpans and baby limb amputation mid-coitus, that will really get their motors running.)

10. Not all of them eat like birds, a lot of them can eat like whales.

(A lot of them could eat whales themselves, it doesn’t mean that you should date them. This is the “No Fatties” theory first brought into the spotlight by Sir Isaac Newton.)

11. Most of them don’t mind paying half of everything, but they do discuss these things with their friends. Realize that if you make your girlfriend pay half all the time, everyone will know about it and your friends will know you’re a wimp.

(Yes, having the ability to convince the girl to pay for everything makes you a wimp. I also think that serial killers are wimps…in fact, I’m having a hard time understanding what a wimp is. Where is that damn wikipedia?)

–11.5. Do you honestly need all your money that much? Be a man, pay all the time!

(Women love your money, not you. The more you spend, the more she will perform sexually. This is known in some extremely remote areas of the world as an age-old tradition known as “prostitution”, but hell, what do they know?)

12. Every girl should eventually get three things from her boyfriend- a stuffed animal, one of his sweatshirts, and a really pretty ring. Even if it’s not a serious relationship.

(Furthermore, these things should be presented to the girl on the first date, if not before the first date via Fed Ex if possible. Women will not talk to you unless you buy them shit. (Reference rule 11))

13. Make sure she gets home safely as often as you can. If you’re dropping her off, walk her to the door. If you aren’t dropping her off, call to be sure she’s home safely.

(Assume that your girlfriend is mentally handicapped and can’t tie her own shoes without your strong, manly arms helping her with the Velcro. If at all possible, pick up a kiddy wrist-leash from Wal-Mart and have her restrained at all times. Who knows, she might get under the sink and drink the drain opener if you don’t.)

14. If a guy is bothering her, it is your right to kick the crap out of him.

(Violence solves absolutely everything. Also, killing small animals is cool and Hitler ROCKED.)

15. If you’re talking to a female friend of yours, pull your girlfriend closer.

(Once you have a girlfriend you are no longer allowed to have female friends. This is commonly known as Dr. Seuss’ hypothesis, “One Bitch, Two Bitch, That Bitch, Dead Bitch”)

16. Never, ever slap her, even if it’s just in a joking way. Even if she swats you first, and says, “Oh, you’re so dumb” or something, never make any gestures back.

(Immediately become a battered lover. This way your girlfriend will get used to having the power of beating your ass over you which will make her stick around, even though you are a sissy.)

17. Go to a chick flick once in a while. She doesn’t care whether you enjoy it or not, it just matters that you went.

(She doesn’t care if I contract leprosy and die, she just wants me to pay for the damn thing and buy her $10 popcorn and shit. If I’m lucky, I might get half-hearted sympathy sex out of it. Score!)

18. You’re dead meat if you can’t get along with their pets, parents and best friends. Be Prince Charming to their friends, Mr. Polite to their parents, and make sure to be nice to their animals.

(Have sex with their friends, have sex with their parents and definitely throw in the parakeet a few times. That should quiet up the lot of them.)

19. Don’t flirt with their moms or friends…that’s just freaky.

(Shit…forget rule 18. Punch her mom in the face and clothesline her friend in the mouth. Trust me, you don’t want to be deemed “freaky”.)

20. Don’t be freaked out by PMS. It’s not gross, and it really does make them feel like crap, so be understanding.

(In fact, try to have sympathy PMS. Start bitching at her while eating everything in sight, all while laughing and crying at the same time. This should confuse her into submission.)

21. If you don’t like the way they drive, you do it.

(Unless rule 20 is in effect, then don’t do anything. They can smell fear.)

22. If you’re officially dating, and you’re introducing her to your friends, you’d better damn well introduce her as your girlfriend.

(Unless you are dating your own mom, then you should introduce her as your mom. You know…to throw everyone off.)

23. Don’t stress where you go for every date. They really only want to be with you.

(I messed up. According to rules 11,11.5, and 12 all seem to say otherwise. They really want your money because you are expendable, and she’s eying the UPS guy anyway.)

24. If they complain that something hurts, rub it for them without being asked.

(Especially when she says that it’s her grandmother’s ass that was just operated on. Don’t ask any questions, just start rubbing…you’ll look like a hero.)

25. Girls are fragile. Even if you’re play fighting/wrestling, be very gentle.

(You know, when you set up the backyard wrestling ring and you hit her with the folding chair, make sure you tell her she is beautiful when she starts spitting out teeth. Rule 4 guys, rule 4.)

26. Memorize their birthdays. You forget her birthday and you’re basically screwed for life.

(If you forget her birthday you will immediately have scabies and polio…and your parents will adopt a little Korean boy and tell you that they love him more than you.)

27. Don’t marinade the cologne.

(True. Instead, try lightly steaming the cologne and serving it with a side of grilled Portobello. Serves 4.)

28. Don’t give her something stupid for her birthday or Christmas or Valentine’s day. It doesn’t have to be expensive, but it has to be meaningful. Jewelry is always nice.

(I just want to conjoin the last two sentences. “It doesn’t have to be expensive, jewelry is nice.” Cubic Zirconium it is. Happy anniversary, baby.)

29. If you think the relationship isn’t going to last, don’t wait to find out. It will only hurt you more if you draw it out.

(Getting some in the meantime while you contemplate the future of your relationship will be terrible. It is better that you hit adult websites furiously while you have a perfectly good partner available to you, your conscience will be clear. Yeah, that’s the ticket.)

30. After you’ve been dating for a while, realize that they really have started to trust you. When you have a girlfriend who truly trusts you, you have a lot more responsibility, privilege and control than you would think. Be careful with it, most guys would kill for that kind of power, and it can be lost in a nanosecond.

(I am a scientist and I am approved to use such terms as “nanosecond”. This makes girls think I am smart and gets them to trust me…while I hide the camcorder in a pile of dirty laundry.)

31.Don’t ever do anything wrong (well not anything). girls remember things for life and anything you did wrong will be used against you in the future.

(Don’t you do anything wrong. Ever. You hear me, little mister?! I said on your best behavior! Are you talking back to me? Are you? Well you can just go to your room without any sweet lovin and think about what you did, young man. Go on, scoot.)

Guys Repost if you do/would do for a girl.

(Guys repost if you have no self-esteem and you want to make a girl think that you are Tom Hanks from Sleepless in Seattle so you can get in her pants. You know what she wants to hear and you are ready to serenade her with lies. Go get ’em, tiger.)

Girls Repost if you want a guy to do this for you.

(Girls, repost to let the world know that your standards are so unreasonably high that the only people that actually fit into your “dateable profile” are Gandhi and Jesus…and they are dead. Stock up on batteries, you’re going to need them.)