You know what? I want to rant. I’m going to rant right now. And you’re
going to read it. And you may laugh. You may sigh. I couldn’t give a
fuck less. I will have no one mock me for my taste in music. You morons
with your MTV…and your Fallout Boy…and your My Chemical Romance…and
BLEARGHHHH. I just vomited all over my keyboard. I am typing this with
vomit coated keys. You dolts are in the least position to mock
anyone for their taste in music! My music is not forcefed to me via
“the media”. You are comparable to geriatrics on life support. You have
a little feeding tube where you have processed shit
filtered. Only exception is that this shit is being filtered to your
brain and your aural mechanics (I would love for someone to tell me
that I spelled “oral” wrong.) You’re like people who read what Oprah
recommends. And Oprah is fat. How about that? You take orders from a
fat woman. An obese woman. She’s in her own class of obesity, really. Oprehisity.

Hey, Oprah knows best.

Oprah could intimidate a grizzly bear.
Oprah should get a spinoff show, where she is featured wrestling a
menagerie of assorted wildlife. Ranging from a polar bear in the frozen
tundra, all the way to such exotic locales as to where hippopotami
reside. I like that word better than hippopotamuses. Hell, she even
could face off against the wild manatee.

Wait, where was I? Oh yeah, the audacity of the
scenario in which my taste in music comes into question. None of you
can say that you haven’t been in a period where you listen to music
that is questionably…”sappy.” Well you know what? I’M IN THAT PERIOD
RIGHT NOW. So get a ticket and get in line to suck a nut.

Since you’ve been so happy to jump on my dick and try to step to my music, lemme take a whack at YOURS.

You know what stupid band I’ve seen on peoples’ cute “Currently Listening to:” thing recently? Hellogoodbye.

Hellogoodbye? What the fuck is Hellogoodbye? This
is easily the stupidest band name in the universe. Orgy has nothing on
this band. Neither does Powerman 5000. Hellogoodbye. How fucking
pretentious is that? Their album cover has what appears to be an
AVOCADO on it. When your album cover has an avocado on it, you have no
business making music. Ooooh, your album cover has a unique fruit on
it. You’re edgy now. These fellows will serve as the pioneers, nay, the leaders
for future artists to look up to with admiration as they adorn their LP
with starfruits and cranberries. I personally enjoy an avocado sandwich
times, but the foodstuff has no business on an album cover. It’s like
putting sulfuric acid in a water bottle. Sure, it’s funny, but it’s
also cruel and unusual.

Hellogoodbye’s album cover. Total erection, right?

Hellogoodbye’s “music” is defined as “synth, power pop, rock dance roll, rock-dance-roll.” (source Google)
Power…pop? WHAT? Those two words do not belong conjoined together like
that. They don’t belong in the same paragraph for that matter. That’s
like saying “classical metal”, “thrash jazz”, and “good rap”; oxymorons
that would tear the fabric of the very universe if ever attempted. Now
then, what the fuck is rock dance roll? I can’t. My brain hurts pronouncing that.

Back to the avocado bit. If Hellogoodbye’s album
cover features an avocado, I shudder in horror of what their raucous
cacophany of musical instruments clashing must sound like. And you know
what? I refuse to listen to a single power pop rock dance roll
utterance out of this avocado fetish group of idiots for fear that my
ears may erupt in a fountain of blood. So there.

I’m done.


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