Day 3 4/13/06
Today we went to the Cape County Park and Zoo.
I drove to said zoo. You know, I think it’s just my luck that
whenever I’m on the road, I’m always shoved with fucking road repairs.
There were intermittent sections of “ROAD WORK AHEAD…REDUCE SPEED TO
45”. Ugh. But at least it was highway driving for the most part. Set
cruise on 70 and piled on. Cruise control is fun because of how quickly
you overcome others on the road. Light footed pansies alternate on the
accelerator and their speed wavers, falling and then suddenly rising
when they come to from their substance induced coma, but cruise control
keeps you at the speed you set, and makes for good highway driving.
So we got to the zoo after a bit of local road confusion. Umm…it was
a zoo, pretty much. Animals and stuff. It was a relaxing break from
half dead fleshbags and slots, sure, but this wasn’t exactly a thrill a
minute either. Your standard assortment of birds, monkeys, and a
menagerie of other beasts. Walking around, you could be lucky to spot
my father behind some fence where normal people normally don’t venture.
You would spy him there, lying prone on his stomach, camera in hand,
photographing some turtle or frog. He would stay in that position for
upwards of 45 minutes. He almost blends into the scenery, you could
say. To passerbys, I would proudly go, “That’s my dad.”
I wish to take this opportunity to discuss the advantages of being
financially independent. Around 12:30p.m., that son of a bitch stomach
of mine started getting uppity. My dad was shooting frogs, and my mom
was walking God knows where, so I was kinda fucked on having them treat
me to nourishment. Alas! There was a wallet in my pocket! I had
currency! With money in my pocket and courage in my soul, I marched to
the little shit café and ordered myself a cheeseburger for $3.50 (with
lettuce and tomato an extra charge of $.50) like a true American. With
grilled meat in my belly, I knew I could survive for at least a few
This is the first vacation where I carried two items of importance
with me wherever I went, they being: my cellphone and my wallet. My
cell was kinda unnecessary, save to call my parents if we were somehow
separated (which did occur in a few instances in the zoo), but my
wallet was of utmost importance. Why, just two days ago, I purchased a
Snapple on the Boardwalk to flood the parched desert that was my
throat! And what would I have done without it? Wait an hour for my
parents to come to their senses, go to a restaurant, and provide me
with drink? Bollocks, I say! I am a man of financial independence!
So we left the zoo around 2ish and went to some diner. I already had
the aforementioned cheeseburger being digested, so I wasn’t
particularly famished, but I still ordered up. I desired buffalo wings.
Our waitress, who looked straight out of the 1950’s with her pretty
little black and white dress, bleach blond hair tied back, and
stretched out face smothered in makeup, informed me with distress in
her voice that they ran out of wings. My blood ran cold and my heart
surely must have stopped beating for an instant. No…..WINGS?!?! How
could this be?! What god have I angered to be faced with this
predicament?! What god, damn you?! I surely must have been frothing at
the mouth and muttering to myself like a lunatic at this point, so the
1950’s waitress tentatively suggested I order the chicken tenders
instead. I fixed her with a cold gaze, and acquiesced. They were
alright. NOT buffalo wings, of course, but I suffered the injustice.
Home and to mein savior: television. I caught some movie with that
shitbag Macaulay Culkin. He was considerably older since his Home Alone
days, though the pasty little shit still had no facial hair to speak
of. But check out what kind of douchebag he’s grown up into! Looks like a serial rapist with Down syndrome.
Macaulay Culkin, Douchebag Extraordinaire.
(Mug shot at Oklahoma County Prison on pot and pill possession, Sep. 2004)
But back to the film. That Culkin shitbag was actually kind of a horndog! Oh yeah, he was
also a cripple. So he was a crippled horndog! He had the hots for some
gothic emo chick (eww..) and stared at her ass. Apparently, she
noticed. She offered him a push, came behind him and softly said, “If
you ever stare at my ass again, I’ll push you off a cliff.” I’d have
pushed him off a cliff out of principle, but God bless her.
The movie was about Christians, I think. Some 45 year old white dude came on stage and started speaking urban.
“Jesus is in DA HOUSE!”
“Can I get a G-O-D?!”
I wish I were kidding.