Kay, so SATs. Suck Ass Test. They honestly weren’t half as bad as I remember them from 7th grade. Back then I thought of them as like the 7th fucking bowel of hell. I mean shit, what do you expect? I was a shitbag little 7th grader! I couldn’t answer half the questions, and rightfully so.

Tangent? Sounds like a fruit.
Circumference? Nah, they already did that to me when I was born.
Pythagorean Theorem? More like Py-fag-orean Theorem.

Fuck John Hopkins for telling me I was a
prodigal 7th grader. Just raised my hopes of being in college by 15.
Man..that’d have been awesome. I’d be drowning in smart chicks, instead
of wasting my time with the scum scraped off the bottom of the gene barrel here. Bah,
all in good time.

4 years later and I’m taking the SATs as a junior. Now? They’re more like “nagging bitch” hell; not as bad, but still terrifically unenjoyable, you know?
I’m sworn by contract not to discuss any of the questions nor essay, or else College Board assassins, armed with Dragunov SKDs 300 yards away, will blow my all too vulnerable head off, resulting in a breathtaking explosion of viscous cranial matter. But I’m a rebellious guy, I like to live on the wild side a bit. So I’ll tempt the fates.
In fact, let’s do this: HERE ARE ALL THE ANSWERS TO THE SATS

The essay was good. In fact, I found it downright easy. All I had to do was expose basic facets of human nature, namely selfishness and greed, and insult mankind utilizing said weaknesses. Nothing I haven’t done before, is it? This was fucking cakewalk compared to the rants I’ve churned out before from the twisted recesses of my diabolical mind.

Oh, and if I ever see another fucking “marble” problem, I will put on a spectacle that will shock, delight, and traumatize audiences.
John has 3 marbles. Mary has 8. If I shove 5 down Mary’s throat and 6 down John’s, who will die first? Which will die more painfully?

I’m in a surprisingly jovial mood. Don’t mind me. I’m just glad this fucking test is over.
Results’ll be up May 29. I await to be told I’m a fucking genius.



5 responses to “

  1. SATs eh? english part was a bisnitch.and edible paper towels were provided in the bathroom, helped myself some during recess last year.chocolate flavor was my favorite, watermelon’s not bad either

  2. man, my dad knows this kid that graduated when he was fifteen [he’s at MIT now]. only time he ever “got it on” with a girl was at prom, and that’s reportedly the best moment in his entire life. John has 3 marbles. Mary has 8. If I shove 5 down Mary’s throat and 6 down John’s, who will die first? Which will die more painfully? H, bitch!

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