You know, in reference to The Perfect Score, I feel that it grossly over-exaggerated the entire ordeal that the SATs encompass. I mean, it was a fantastic film! I sincerely enjoyed it in every sense. The actors were memorable (Leonardo Nam playing “Roy” in particular), the jokes were top-notch, and the production values were surprisingly good coming from Fucking MTV Studios. That’s actually their name. Fucking MTV Studios. I swear.

Scarlett Johansson as the cute hacker girl? Yum.

But what I’m getting at is that the characters in the film were fucking flipping out about these things. I mean, that was the whole premise of the film: a group of kids so stressed out by the SATs that they decided to actually infiltrate SAT headquarters and steal the answers to the test. Now, as loftily implausible as their goal seems in a setting set in something called REALITY, the film still managed to escape as enjoyable, seeing as the kids learned that theft is a reprehensible practice (read: bad), and the main stupid guy hooked up with the pseudosmart blonde chick under the fucking moonlight, with enough obvious plot dialogue leading up to the event that characters from another movie altogether would be bellowing in frustration, “JUST FUCKING KISS ALREADY YOU DOPEY BITCHES!”

I, on the other hand, am not a member of the “let’s get a fucking heart attack worrying about the SATs” club. I’m totally mellow about them. I mean, shit, I studied for the things. I knew May was slowly creeping up, and I ignored it until late April when I finally acquiesced and said, “Fuck, I guess I have to study.” I read some review, I did a couple practice sections, and then wrote the damn exam on test day. I wasn’t having cleptomaniacal tendencies to steal the SATs. I wasn’t trying to find a chick to desperately make out with under the moonlight before the day of the SATs (though, retrospectively, maybe I should have). Am I the only one that thinks that this movie was contrived solely for entertainment value? You can’t identify with these characters. Nobody’s like that! They chose the most stereotypical characters and grouped them together, and whatever reaction they got, be it precipitation or explosion, Fucking MTV Studios dubbed “cinemagic.”

The more I think about it, the more the answer seems obvious. Duh, of course it wasn’t supposed to simulate realism! What movie have you seen out of Fucking MTV Studios whose scenario even remotely seemed realistic? Orange County? Give me a fucking break. Movies from Fucking MTV Studios are formulaic; they’re 90 minute teenage adrenaline filled rollercoaster rides with a tender heartfelt moral at the end. Some dipshit realizes he’s in trouble, so he gets his kooky/retarded/gay brother/best friend/ambiguously bisexual but extremely attached girlfriend to join him on a craaaaazy adventure to do something TOTALLY RAD and/or AWESOME to solve his problems in some sort of far-fetched manner that in any other setting would have absolutely nowhere near the desired effect, but it’s cinemagic, don’t fuck with it.

Movies that Fucking MTV Studios vomits out for us to consume are the kinds of movies you make out with a chick to and only end up catching 10 minutes of, if that. You’re supposed to get up 5 minutes after the credits roll and go, “Whoa…dude, that was such a good movie!”

If I can somehow backtrack through the ocean of consciousness (a body of water greater than a stream of consciousness) that you have been wading through thus far, I think my original point was that The Perfect Score was a total misrepresentation of the SAT experience. And I fully stand by this truth. It’s just that it wasn’t supposed to be, as I’ve come to realize, that’s all.

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