In light of recent evidence,
it appears that the lyrics from Korn are “blatant,” in which I can only assume that
the holder of said opinion meant “cliché,” although blatant in no way whatsoever
means cliché and because blatant just doesn’t make any fucking sense in that
context. Something can be blatantly
cliché, but hey, what do I know? In any case, I was confused and hurt, but
willing to understand, learn, and change the error of my ways. Before I could
undergo my transformation, however, I came upon a morsel of genius that may
very well have changed my life. In fact, I will never look to anything else for
guidance ever again.

The following is a transcript of lyrics from Hellogoodbye,
the greatest band to ever come out in the 21st century, or any other for that
matter. Now, you may remember a rather vitriolic
exegesis
of mine on Hellogoodbye some few months ago, but I couldn’t have
been any more wrong. One look at these lyrics and you’ll understand exactly
what I mean.


“Jesse Buy Nothing… Go To Prom Anyways!”

(Prom with Jesse)

Prom is coming
It’s on the 17th of May
And I’ve got a message
I want to convey

I’ll buy a nice suit
And you can wear a pretty dress
You will watch me dance
And realize I am the best

[Chorus]
Will you go to prom with me
(And dance [x6])
Will you go to prom with me
(And dance [x6])

We’ll slow dance
And fast dance
And clap, clap, clap our hands (clap, clap, clap)

My moves will be so hot
You’ll have to stand under the fan

This dance will be better
Than your favorite ice cream
I cut like a knife
And I dance just like a dream

[Chorus x2]

Lets go to prom
Ahhh… let’s go to prom
Lets go to the prom [x2]

(I buy nothing
Jessie buy nothing)

[Chorus x4]

Prom with Jesse

These lyrics are not blatantly cliché. They’re
just blatantly idiotic.
No, no, I spoke in foolishness. They are blatantly brilliant. They are interesting in every
sense of the word. They are also very thought provoking.

I particularly enjoyed the second verse, in which the lead singer points out
that not only will he and his prom date slow dance, but they will also fast
dance! Because there are more types of dance than merely slow and fast! It’s
not redundant or stupid to suggest that both slow and fast dance will be
performed because there are obviously more variances in dance, such as
semi-slow dance, as well as semi-fast dance! Let us not forget very slow
dance, and very fast dance!

We also cannot overlook how proficiently the singer utilizes
the term “hot” in this context:

My moves will be so hot
You’ll have to stand under the fan

Notice how he
describes his “moves” using “hot” in a figurative context. Now note how he
flawlessly transitions into boastfully claiming that his “hot moves” (“hot”
again being used figuratively of course) will literally elicit such heat and
discomfort that his poor prom date, stuck with a dipshit who can’t even use
“hot” in the proper context, will have no other choice but to “stand under the
fan.” The singer is showing his uniqueness by vacillating between the literal
and figurative sense of the word “hot,” because unique people ignore basic
tenets of coherence and English grammar.

Next, watch and marvel as the singer makes masterful analogies comparing dance, an organized movement of limbs performed to the rhythm of music,
to ice cream,
a dairy food stuff, two obviously related items!

The singer also claims that he dances “like a dream,” because dreams
love to dance. Dreams are also sentient beings with thoughts and an endless
burning desire to dance, of all things. Dreams also enjoy spaghetti, cuddling
with that “special someone” watching romantic comedies, and long walks on the
beach.

After this review, I am convinced that the singer is easily the greatest song
composer in the history of everything that is music. His lyrics are genius.
Bach most certainly must have resurrected himself to go out and purchase this
album, to listen to for all of eternity in his grave.

Holy shit, and now actually listen to this aural holocaust. This is music? This is an angry 17 year old yelling into a microphone, perhaps in preparation to actually asking out his potential prom candidate. Perhaps he already did and got rejected, and now he is just yelling in anger. Personally, I don’t blame the girl. I mean, if you ask a girl out to the prom by yelling at her like some deranged lunatic, the girl might be hardpressed to just call the cops on your crazy ass.

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9 responses to “

  1. Um…I think you’re crazy. I mean, I know you’re a guy and everything…but geez, get with it. Every girl I know likes to be screamed at, especially when being asked to the the defining night that may or may not end her virginal life. It’s a dream come true really. But, if you want to take that extra step in romancing your lady, it’s probably best that you bitch slap her a little bit. And of course, don’t forget to include the obligatory song that’s written just for her, and not just some generic lyrics inspired from hallmark cards and ’80’s teen movies.
    Ok, I’m through. ^^^that guy has the right idea. I’m bored and so I gave you a cheesy/ridiculously lame comment…deal with it amigo.

  2. No…there is no way in hell I would go to prom with a guy if he asked me like that…maybe if he sang even a little bit good then I’d consider.
    I only listened to like the first 2 seconds of the song and turned it off cause his voice reminded me of the Cookie Monster and that’s just scary.

  3. naw, miles don’t matter. its getting a new exaust and vtec conversion. the engine in there is going to be rebuit and sold for about 300 bucks. a vtec conversion means new chipset, block, and tranny. so the only miles left are on about half the electrical and the frame itself. i don’t know about where you live but here a vtec civic is golden. some rich daddy will spend a mint to get his daughter what she wants here. east vancouver is like richvill washington. luckily I don’t live there. so pretty much…were gonna rape it and rip out its innards. i only have to worry about the old motor for about a year. I don’t think I would buy it without the intended swap.

  4. Well…I guess if a girl likes to be pinned up against a wall and screamed at then that’s a great way to ask her to prom. But I’m not that girl. I might laugh in his face if a guy did that to me. Seriously, I wouldn’t be able to take him seriously. I guess when it comes down to those things, I’m more of the romantic type. And to me, that isn’t very romantic. It doesn’t matter anyways…I never went to Prom and I graduated in 04. So I won’t have another chance. Whatever.

  5. I’m afraid that my weak and inferior female mind wouldn’t be able handle such…manliness.
    And yet, he knows me so well: “Blogger: Term used to describe anyone with enough time or narcissism to document every tedious bit of minutia filling their uneventful lives.” *sigh*

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