A fat woman came into the pharmacy today1. “How
much is this?” she asked waving a women’s razor in her walrus like paws,
“There’s no barcode on here.” I gently take it from her and look over the
product. On the back, my eyes catch some delightfully devious fine print
reading, “Free sample. Not for retail sale.” I explain to her that there is no
bar code because it is a free sample.
Fat Woman (mouth agape, in dramatic disbelief): “Free?”
She looked at me like I was a heretic, ready to drive a
wooden stake through my heart and burn me in the town square. Shocked and obviously
flustered, the ungainly idiot put to use her master sleuth skills and
indignantly claimed, “But if it’s free, anyone can just take as many as they
want!” I didn’t know how to put it to her in any other way that it was free
because I don’t speak fat, so I left it in the hands of the
supervising pharmacist. He didn’t prove to be too knowledgeable either and
immediately shifted responsibility to the manager. When he finally came by, the
fat woman let loose this gem:
Fat Woman: “How much does this free sample cost?”
One more time for effect.
“How much does this FREE sample COST?”
I almost choked. I waited for her for to waddle away before
I burst into hysterics. That’s the greatest question I’ve ever heard in my
life. The sheer illogicality practically makes the question implode upon
itself. It drips with such sheer stupidity that I actually had to process
the question for a few seconds the moment it first entered my aural canal.
I don’t know if the fat woman ever solved the mystery of how
much the free razor cost. I can only hope. Hope and laugh.
1: Married With Children reference. One of the
staples of the show was when Al would come home and launch into one of his
tirades that always started out with: “A fat woman came into the shoe store