Wake up was at 5:45
in the morning for me today.
Not because we had to leave so early to warrant such an
early awakening, but because I wanted one last ride in my Miata. I took a
shower, got dressed, and headed off.
At 6 in the morning, the roads are empty. This makes Miata
and I a very happy couple.
I took this last opportunity in my Miata to set a new first
for myself: going more than twice over the speed limit. What was the speed
limit and where did I do it, you ask? Ryders, where the speed limit is 40mph,
and I piled a head spinning 90mph. Words cannot do this experience any justice
whatsoever. So I’ll just leave it at that.
So I got home, and about a half hour later, we set off
for JFK Airport.
Our flight was to take off at 10:50 a.m.
On international flights, passengers have to check in 2 hours in advance. We
had plenty of time to spare.
Then, in the footsteps of all modern thrillers, something
went terribly wrong. The Staten Island Expressway and the Verrazano
Bridge were closed off due to a
running marathon that was to take place that day. Traffic was pure and
elementary murder on the roads. Naturally, that put us in a rather fucked
position. Our only alternative was to go through The Holland Tunnel into Manhattan.
Manhattan is fun, let me tell you.
About as fun as chewing broken glass. By the time we got to the airport it was
10ish. To the check in, it was 10:20. We were too late. We were faced with two
options: take the flight tomorrow morning, or get on the standby list for a
connecting flight to Miami. We chose the latter.
There were two standby flights to Miami. One at 12:50, and
another at 2:55. By the grace of God, we managed to get on the 12:50 one. We
were given our tickets, and headed towards security. Some fat monkey was
rummaging through my backpack for obvious weapons of mass destruction (WMDs)
that I had cleverly concealed in there. His search proved fruitful, as he
triumphantly reached in and discovered a deadly tube of toothpaste hidden
within. With this toothpaste, I most certainly planned on squirting the captain
in the eye, thereby blinding him and causing him to crash the plane, ending
everyone’s lives, including my own, in kamikaze fashion. As the fat fuck went
through my shit, he actually started making small talk with me. It went
something like this:
Fat Fuck: How’s it going buddy?
Me: *staring with cold and unamused eyes* Not bad.
Fat Fuck: Well “not bad” is better than “bad”, right?
Desperately, I looked around for something to stab this stupid
The flight to Miami took 3 hours, but it was at Miami
airport where I bought the most delectable chicken Caesar salad this side of
wherever chicken Caesar salads were invented. To be quite honest, I was just
fucking starving at this point. The salad was in reality quite mediocre, and
ridiculously expensive (this is airport food, after all.) To comment on the
salad, the lettuce was in entire leaves. I am not a fucking cow. Cut the
fucking lettuce into pieces. The croutons were moldy, so they were really not
croutons at all, just moldy bread. And the chicken consisted of 3 strips in the
middle. Would it hurt to cut the fucking chicken? Seeing as I was starving
though, I devoured the salad in too short a time to complain about its flaws.
Once at Miami Airport, we managed to get on the connecting
Cancun flight and finally be on our way. When we finally arrived to Cancun, it
was about 9:00 p.m. So we essentially lost a day of vacation.
We claimed our baggage, and went through Mexican customs,
after which we climbed into the van that was to take us to our hotel. We got to
the hotel, and the guy at the counter gave us our wristbands. He looked at me
closely, and asked if I have ID. I showed him my driver’s license and with his
master’s degree in subtraction and addition, he deduced that I was 17 years
old. He slapped a red wristband on me, and tan wristbands on my parents. I was
enraged. This can’t be happening to me. I did not plan on spending a week here
DUN DUN DUN! PART 2 OF DAY 0 TOMORROW!