It is exactly 7:00 p.m.,
as I sit here nursing a glass of rum. A delightful warmth I simply adore is
coursing through my chest right now.
I may not have ever given Jack Daniels a try, but I think I
can safely say a nice glass of rum is my favorite liquor.
Today, we partook in an activity outside of the hotel
grounds. We took a city bus over to some lagoon hotel where they host speed
boat and snorkeling tours. Half the tour sucked. And half of it ruled. The
speed boat part was the latter.
The speed boats were equipped with 30hp little Hondas. Now
this isn’t much, but God are those things a fucking blast. Not only are these
boats not equipped with much testicular fortitude, but our boat also had to lug
3 people, instead of 2. Given these circumstances, our boat pushed like a
champ. Out of a group of 5 boats, ours was the very last one. I had to go full
throttle just to keep up with the pack.
Driving these things is really like playing a videogame, I
think. The boat in front of you leaves waves trailing behind in a sort of
inverted V. The idea is to keep your boat in the middle of this V so as not to
rock. On the turns, I took great pleasure in riding the boat to the very edge
of these waves. The boat made quite impressive leans and I thought my mom might
have a heart attack right there.
Once we got to the snorkeling site, we got on our gear and
jumped in. I’m sad to say this snorkeling experience did not compare to the one
I had in the Dominican; there were hardly any fish, the ones that were there
were gray and bland, and the coral wasn’t even interesting to look at. It
essentially boiled down to following the guide around in a circle for a half
hour. The speed boat ride home made me feel better, though.
I was watching TV drunk today, and I caught quite an
interesting program. On the E! channel, there was plastic surgery program going
on. I’m just flipping channels, and WHAM! I get tits in my face. Now picture
your reaction as you would if you were functioning normally. Now picture
your reaction when you can safely be diagnosed as fucked to the wall.
Instead of expectedly becoming aroused, I found this hilarious.
I was having a fucking blast. Some bitch was getting tit
implants, and having her ugly ass witch nose reduced. She had some disgusting
hump going, and she felt that paying thousands of dollars to hide her shame was
a worthwhile endeavor.
Another chick was fatter than Buddha. Actually, she was
skinny. But she had a shitload of belly fat going on. When she tucked it in, it
was all good. So she went to get liposuction. As she was getting diagnosed by
the doctor, her genitalia get blurred out. I find this hysterical. (Note: To
the sober person, this may not even grant a chuckle. But when I’m drunk,
anything out of the ordinary is absolutely uproarious.)
Oh, by the way, it’s 7:16
right now, and I am fucked up. I don’t particularly enjoy interacting
with my parents when I’m fuck drunk, but I guess I don’t have a say in the
matter anymore, now do I?
Another drunk update. 7:32, my typing skills are heavily
impaired, and I bless God for Word’s capabilities of auto-fixing spelling
Tonight, sometime around 10:00,
I tried a gin and tonic. This is nothing like what I expected, and that’s
probably understandable since I haven’t the faintest idea what the fuck tonic
is. It’s carbonated gin. Take seltzer (or “sparkling water”, the
horrendously pretentious French variant on the beverage), pour gin in it.
Voila, gin and tonic.