Apocalypto is the worst movie I’ve ever seen.
The last time I saw a waste of such epic proportions was
probably The Chronicles of Riddick.
This movie sucked roughly 50 billion times more.
Mel Gibson couldn’t have made a bigger shitwaste if he
tried. He could have just filmed himself taking a shit for 2 hours and it
wouldn’t have been any fucking worse. If anything, there might actually have
been some symbolism in the act and it might actually have been marginally
better that this fucking waste.
Here’s a basic summary of everything that happened:
Group of natives kill a boar, gut it, and laugh at a guy who
is dumb enough to be tricked into eating its balls.
Natives return to village where previous dumbass is again
tricked into causing himself pain and humiliation in the form of rubbing hot
peppers on his dick, proceeding to fuck his wife, and then running around
screaming holding his dick in the middle of the village like an asshole.
Some weird group of natives come in, set village on fire,
and take everyone hostage.
They walk for the next 30 minutes of the film until they
finally get to the big Mayan-esque civilization.
The hostages are painted blue (I don’t know why either), and
then led to be sacrificed on the top of a pyramid one by one. They take one,
spread him out on a rock, cut his beating heart out, decapitate him, throw his
disembodied head down the pyramid, and then throw the body down the pyramid.
This is done three times in succession.
One of the hostages escape, killing the main bad guy’s son
in the process.
Stricken with vengeance, the bad guy and a group of his
cronies chase after the runaway hostage.
In the jungle again, the hostage now is all confident and
begins to kill off each of the bad guys.
To tell the truth, the last half hour or so of the film was
actually ok. It was all action oriented and suspenseful. Gory deaths, generally
good stuff. It was just the whole REST of the movie that made me want to rip my
pupils out of my eyeballs.
I don’t know why Mel Gibson makes films. I’ve never seen The
Passion, I have no intention to, and I’m pretty sure it sucked ass too. I think
Mel Gibson is just plumb fuck crazy. That’s the only explanation I can muster as to how he
could actually pump out such reeking filth. I can only hope he becomes stricken
with some psychopathic condition that forces him to be locked away in some tiny
padded cell, far far away from a video camera, so innocent movie goers can be
saved from being raped by his cinematic catastrophes.
Don’t see Apocalypto.