I recently composed an essay which I am fairly certain is quite easily the best essay in the universe.

Enjoy.

 

To this day, he remains a silly
puppet, providing a mere chortle or two to others.

A menagerie of embarrassing traits
bear down upon the boy who is unnamed. He claims to be a gamer. But not just
any gamer, a hardcore gamer. So hardcore, that he bought an Xbox 360 a year
after it came out. This isn’t the largest of transgressions however. As a proud
owner of an Xbox 360, he further goes on to insult himself, his console,
Microsoft, and the entire gaming world by playing his next gen console in 480i,
a standard interlaced non HD resolution. He expects to have the next generation
of gaming on a television Thomas Edison would have scoffed at. “B..but, it
makes be a better person!” he sputters trying to prove himself in the eyes of
his fellow gamer friends.

As a weathered Internet blogger, he
enjoys formulating biting commentary and reviews on various video games.
Lately, however, it seems that he thinks highly enough of himself to take on in
the footsteps of Maddox, a writer who he despises yet in many senses admires,
and leave his idiotic blog abandoned for upwards of two months. The irony here,
of course, is that one of the very main reasons he dislikes Maddox is his
recent scarcity of updates.

His choice of vehicle is both ironic
and depressing. Spending an approximated $5,000-$6,000 on a Chevy Malibu is
something very difficult to beat on the complete waste of money scale. I think
a better investment might be a sign and a marker, the latter with which to
write, “Kick me.” The remaining balance would be best invested in a mutual
fund, so that in 20 years, the interest accrued would bring the balance up just
enough to purchase a brand new Chevy Malibu! An added benefit to being a proud Malibu
owner is that drivers on the road mistake you for an 80 year old geriatric! And
who doesn’t enjoy being treated as the bane of the road, as people pass you,
make rude gestures, and generally laugh at your existence?

He views himself as a connoisseur
of music, a snob of phenomenal caliber. His theory is that the more music he
illegally downloads off the Internet, the more musically cultured he becomes.
Apparently, good taste is defined by a catalogue of over 10,000 songs written
by various terrible underground metal bands no one listens to. Of course, this
only makes him more unique and hardcore! I mean, who can resist headbanging to
the awesome riffage of Kamelot, which is spelled with a K, because that makes
the band sound more exciting and edgy!?

The personality he demonstrates in
school is ridiculous on so many levels. In class, he sits mumbling to his
surrounding classmates who are trying intently listen to what the teacher is
trying to say. He bursts out with random turns of phrase that hold no bearing
on the class discussion and serve only to distract everyone’s train of thought.
He feeds on the attention given to him. He receives it nowhere else. It’s not
as if anyone actually likes him. He has this odd voice around him that I am
almost certain he dons purposely to make himself seem absolutely hilarious. As he reads aloud his essays,
the class chortles at the ridiculous images he paints. Of course, his writing
is nothing more than esoteric references to fantasy metal bands and various
videogames released more than a decade ago. But throw in an F-Zero instance
here and a risqué Crucidix reference there (remembering of course to apologize
before uttering the terrible slang for a penis), and you’re on your way to
COMEDY.

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