Hm, it’s kind of a bummer that Xanga’s shutting down. I’ve been on this blog since 2004, and a lot of shit’s happened in 9 years. I graduated high school, undergrad, and practically finished pharmacy school. I ranted, I wrote memoirs of vacations. This blog (among other outside help in my social circle) got me through the darkest time in my life just over half a year ago.

There was a time when my blog was actually relatively popular. This was around 2005-2007 back when I updated regularly. Then I graduated high school, stopped having stupid drama to write about and kind of took a hiatus from the blog for a while. I’d update every few months or so, if that. This blog was always a good outlet to vent as I’ve always found writing to be therapeutic. My blog became exceptionally important to me as a therapeutic tool around October of last year and largely into March and April. It was around this same time that I started picking up some subscribers here and there, which is nice. Xanga was never much about community for me, though I did make a friend or two from it at the time. Nowadays, it’s nice having a few contacts made through this. The exchange of ideas and glimpsing the viewpoints of others is something I enjoy a lot and I’m glad Xanga has given me that occasional opportunity.

I don’t know if I’ll get another blog if Xanga goes south. Maybe. But I will certainly keep blogging while the opportunity is still there.

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I actually benched plates (135lbs) today for the first time. It was a goal of mine for the longest time, and I managed one rep today.

Just a heartbreaking masterpiece.

A Flaky Crust

I’ve dealt with a couple of flaky girls in my past. These wastes of time will typically either make empty promises of future contact or just ignore texts. But this latest girl is something different. What started as a number obtained at a party last Saturday was initially to be a date the following Tuesday, which got rescheduled the day before to Sunday due to prior engagements she had. My Thursday became open so I suggested meeting then, which she agreed to. A few hours later, she asks to keep the Sunday instead because she forgot that she had class later that day. She apologized for being disorganized. Sunday rolls around and two hours before the date she texts with another excuse, something about her family having to be out their house, which I interpreted as them moving, but I didn’t ask for her to specify. I was a bit irritated at this point, but she seemed legitimately apologetic, said her time would be easier to come by this week and even went so far as to say “I understand if you’re sick of planning.” So I figured I had nothing to lose and decided to give it one last ditch effort. Zero expectations. She thanked me for being so understanding. We scheduled the date for today at 3. At 11:30 I get a call. It’s her. This is the first time either of us have called the other. It’s a gutsy move and even I was a little blown away when I saw her on the caller ID. She tells me she’s at the doctor’s getting tested for strep. She says she’s calling so that I don’t think she’s lying. She clearly has a sore throat over the phone. It’s nice to hear her voice, at least. I tell her to feel better and that we’ll talk soon.

If this is a ruse, it’s the most elaborate ruse in all of humankind. But I don’t think it’s a ruse. I think luck is just not friends with either of us right now. Besides, nothing in my life has ever come easy anyway.

“The world is full of people who are very clever at seeming much smarter than they really are. They dazzle us with facts and quotations and foreign words and so on, whereas the truth is that they know almost nothing of use in life as it is really lived.” – Vonnegut, “Slapstick”

I wonder how accurately that quote defines me. Ha.

It took a dumb episode of How I Met Your Mother to get me musing. At the end of season 2, Robin and Ted break up (thpoilers!) because their lives are going in different directions; he wants to get married and have kids and she wants to travel to Argentina. So we’re led to believe it’s an amicable split.

At the beginning of season 3, Ted is still dealing with the fallout of the breakup and being single again. Then Robin returns with an Argentinian pretty boy to rub in his face. The whole group is enamored with the guy, and the idea of “winning” the breakup becomes a central theme in the episode. I think we’re led to believe that whoever is dealing with the breakup best (or who has moved on first) is the “winner”. Eventually, Ted confronts Robin about how difficult the breakup has been for him and how seemingly easy it’s been for her. She explains that she cried for 3 days when she got to Argentina, and that her loneliness was what led to the new guy. He asks, “So you weren’t trying to win the breakup?” She replies, “I was trying to survive it.”

And that’s kind of the crux of my musing. When two people split, the other person and their feelings are no longer a concern. We revert to this survival mode where our emotional well being is the single most important thing and fuck everyone else. And so attractive girls find another guy, because they can. Now, one can argue that such behavior is unhealthy and reeks of dependency issues, but it’s a form of survival. It quells the grief if only for a little while. The point is that yeah it hurts seeing someone you loved with someone new, but your ex isn’t with them to fuck with you or your feelings, they’re doing it for themselves. It’s a purely selfish act and your feelings are irrelevant. It’s kind of sad to think that you don’t really matter anymore to someone when you used to matter a lot, but c’est la vie.

 

The job hunt so far is being hindered solely by me, my apathy, and my disdain for getting minimum wage. After suckling on the $14/hr teat at my last work study job, the idea of going down to $9 makes me gag a little. I’m hardly in a position to bargain, and the job would only be for about a month and a half before I go home for my first rotation anyway, but still. MEH.

 

“I have had some experiences with love, or think I have, anyway, although the ones I have liked best could easily be described as “common decency”. I treated somebody well for a little while, or even for a tremendously long time, and that person treated me well in return. Love need not have anything to do with it. (…)
Love is where you find it. I think it is foolish to go looking for it, and I think it can often be poisonous.
I wish that people who are conventionally supposed to love each other would say to each other, when they fight, “Please – a little less love, and a little more common decency”.”

-Vonnegut, “Slapstick”

“Leon! Leon! Leon!” he implored. “The more you learn about people, the more disgusted you’ll become. I would have thought your being sent by the wisest men in your country, supposedly, to fight a nearly endless, thankless, horrifying, and, finally, pointless war, would have given you sufficient insight into the nature of humanity to last you throughout all eternity!

“Need I tell you that these same wonderful animals, of which you apparently still want to learn more and more, are at this very moment proud as Punch to have weapons in place, all set to go at a moment’s notice, guaranteed to kill everything?

“Need I tell you that this once beautiful and nourishing planet when viewed from the air now resembles the diseased organs of poor Roy Hepburn when exposed at his autopsy, and that the apparent cancers, growing for the sake of growth alone, and consuming all and poisoning all, are the cities of your beloved human beings?

“Need I tell you that these animals have made such a botch of things that they can no longer imagine decent lives for their own grandchildren, even, and will consider it a miracle if there is anything left to eat or enjoy by the year two thousand, now only fourteen years away?

“Like the people on this accursed ship, my boy, they are led by captains who have no charts or compasses, and who deal from minute to minute with no problem more substantial than how to protect their self-esteem.”

-Vonnegut, “Galapagos”

This is honestly one of my favorite TV moments ever. The on screen chemistry that John Krasinski and Jenna Fischer put forth through Jim and Pam is indescribable. The kind of love that these two fictional characters have is just everything. SO MANY FEELS. I hope everyone gets to have even a sliver of this kind of emotional connection to another human being.

I watched the finale today and it’s honestly kind of crazy how an entire era of television feels like it’s over. The show had a 7 year run spanning 9 seasons. The Michael Scott era was incredible, then the show took a noticeable slide downwards after his departure for a few seasons. Andy became irritating, Nelly was just awful and then became tolerable. The new ancillary characters were alright. I liked the interactions between the new fat kid and Dwight. Fortunately, the show picked up some noticeable steam as it was approaching the end of its life, and having Michael Scott in the finale was incredible, if not completely expected.

It’s kind of sad that The Office is done. At least it went out on the highest note it possibly could. Parks & Rec is well on its way towards taking its helm, and it deserves it thanks to its phenomenal cast and writing staff.

Last night was one of those nights that started out well, turned shitty, and then ended better than expected. I went to what was called a “Stoplight Party”. The gimmick was that people dressed up in red, yellow and green to indicate their relationship status. Red meant taken, yellow “complicated”, and green single. Neat idea and definitely takes the guesswork out of meeting new people.

As soon as I got there, I immediately met a cute 20 year old blonde (and her fat friend). We chatted for a little, and then went off dancing. Within a half hour, she and her whale companion vanished like apparitions in the night. So the night turned meh for a while. On the bright side, the cover band playing was awesome. They played a bunch of 80’s hits like “Take on Me”, “Safety Dance”, “Thriller”, “Beat It”, and even AC/DC’s “Back in Black”. What was crazy impressive was how well the vocalist managed to imitate so many distinctly different vocal styles.

So later I met a brunette around my age dancing with some of her friends. We bantered a little, and she was a pretty cool girl. At the end of the night I got her number, so win there. I’m not raising my expectations, and I’m in a mindset right now where girls are flakes unless proven otherwise, but still, cool girl. Now I get to play the “when should I send the first text” game.

How can you go on?
When you’re murdering someone
Killing me like you do