The thoughts in my head today are just crazy. And I feel like incredibly relevant shows and books I take in around me are exacerbating the fact. I was getting flashbacks of kissing her by the water on the last night I was there. We were technically broken up. What the hell does it mean if every logical side of me says that none of it makes any sense but my heart still wants it? I’ve got so many reassurances that I’ve come up with over the months, like protective coatings: she’s too far away, you have no future together, you’ve gone through too much shit because of her, there’s no trust, there was no communication, protect yourself, protect your dignity. My dignity has become the most important thing left. Why reach out to a stranger who’s long stopped thinking about you? I can extrapolate that she’s stopped thinking about me because I went on one date with flaky chick and nearly forgot about her. If she and I had actually started dating, I’d have forgotten her like a bad dream.

If I was working right now, I’d probably be too distracted to think about this dumb shit. So many people work 9-5 every day and keep themselves distracted from their brains. But is it necessarily the right solution to just push away thoughts that our brains want to have?

There’s this plump woman who lives next door to my parents, who carries the most saccharine, disingenuous facade I’ve ever seen. She always tells herself that everything is great. I think this is ridiculous. Since when did lying to yourself do anyone any good? I can understand carrying yourself with a sense of optimism, but don’t throw yourself a fucking parade if you’ve got nothing to genuinely celebrate. When life just carries on with no tragedy and no great victory, parading around like you just won the lottery strikes me as insane.

I’ve gotta blame this new album for this recent bout of digging in the past. It’s masochistic, but the music is great.


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