For better or for worse, remember forever

Today was one of those mornings where I stayed in bed for way too long, something I haven’t done in a long time. The issue is that I get introspective in bed. I start digging. 8-10 months ago, doing so was devastating because it felt like I was ripping open every raw, pulsating wound that was delicately healing. Nowadays, the wounds have been replaced with scars and instead of devastation, I’m merely left with disappointment.

I’m disappointed and left with questions that have no answers. Questions that I’m not sure I even want answered. I think that when two people grow close or go through anything significant together, they form a bond that is inextricable. So the task becomes living with this bond and ignoring it. Moving forward and making new bonds. The saddest thing is ignoring it. The second saddest thing is wanting to ignore it to protect yourself from any further emotional trauma.

“But while men and women are equal in their capacity of absorption, they differ in their method of reaction. God invested women with deeper and more abundant emotions than he gave unto men. In this respect, He made woman superior to man. For emotions are the richest, the most valuable treasures that man possesses. A woman’s genius is in her heart, and her reactions to life therefore always emanate from the heart first. A man’s life is mostly guided by reason, a woman’s life by emotion. A man’s life is mostly a succession of plans and schemes and enterprises, a woman’s life is a chain of emotional manifestations, of tenderness, of devotion, of love.”

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4 responses to “For better or for worse, remember forever

    • Thanks. I’m not sure how much I should pat myself on the back for writing eloquently about what I largely consider bullshit. It’s just that first serious relationship, you know? I think in the wake of losing someone, eventually you just miss the way they made you feel.

      Thoughts?

      • You may consider the roller coaster to be bullshit (as you say), but it doesn’t seem like you are under any illusions about the way you feel. I think that is a really good thing.

        I think you are right about everything that you mentioned, though I’ve never been exactly in your position. I think you are very right about the permanent nature of a bond. I imagine that through significant bonds you get to live a particular version of yourself that is usually, and especially at the beginning of a significant relationship, pretty fucking great. How are you supposed to forget that? Furthermore, no other individual (and possibly not even reattempting things with the person in question) would ever be able to help you tap into that version of yourself again. I think that eventually it becomes less about the other person and as you said more about the way you felt in general.

        Surely there are different versions of yourself and other ways to feel that you will also enjoy someday. Maybe even moreso than the last go around? It’d never be the same, but I like to believe that there is more than one way to be happy or feel fulfilled. At least there better fucking be or else we’d all be screwed.

        • Hm, I never thought about it like that before. So each relationship produces a slightly different version of yourself? I think that makes sense. I like to look it at as chapters. Once a chapter closes, you take the lessons and experiences and apply them to a new chapter.

          As fun and exciting as that version of myself with her was, I wouldn’t want to go back. I was stupid and naive. Still am, actually, but less so.

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