You Should Date An Illiterate Girl

You Should Date An Illiterate Girl.

Reposting this because it’s still an excellent and important essay.


We can get Frankie Muniz attached!

My Christmas started off with a quest to find breakfast since I’m an idiot and the only things in my house were oatmeal cream pies, 6 month old Ben and Jerry’s and canned soup dating back to Obama’s first term. It being Christmas, everything was shut save for McD’s and a gas station minimart. Settling on the minimart, I figured I’d get gas as well since I’ve been running on fumes the past few days. Naturally, my fuel lid was frozen shut. After some creative excavating with a credit card, I got it loose. Later on, I went and did the most stereotypical thing Jews do on Christmas, which is get Chinese and go to the movies. Oddly enough, I did all this with a non Jewish buddy. We went to go see “The Wolf of Wall Street”, another spectacular Scorcese film. Leo fucking killed it as usual. I’ve never heard of Margot Robbie before this film, but she is easily one of the most gorgeous women in Hollywood.

I’ve finished the second season of American Horror Story and wow. It is just staggeringly good. For those who haven’t watched it, thar be (mild) THPOILERS ahead. It starts to get a little out there with the aliens, who are still largely unexplained, but everything else is just outstanding. Lobotomies, exorcisms, and electroconvulsive therapy are just a few of the delightfully insane things that go on in the mental asylum featured in this season. The whole Bloodyface plotline is stunning. Although Lana’s son got what was coming to him, I wondered if that was the most fitting conclusion. I also think the way Dr. Arden went out was possibly the single most fitting way for a Nazi to go out; every SS member should have been cremated alive.

I think one of the most admirable things about the show is how adaptable the cast is to such wildly different characters. It’s really neat to see familiar faces in completely different roles. Evan Peters goes from playing a terrifying school shooting sociopath in season 1 to an innocent New England man accused of murder in season 2. Dylan McDermott goes from a loving father in the first season to a raving serial killer in the second season. Zachary Quinto, of course, plays a gay man who was drowned in the first season and transitions into one of the most unsettling serial killers I’ve ever seen portrayed in the second season. I think Frances Conroy alone had 2 or 3 different accents throughout the first two seasons, first playing the slutty maid, then the Angel of Death, and then an inmate.

Also, I reveled in the fact that I sat down to watch the Christmas themed episode on Christmas day. It was completely coincidental and nothing says Christmas like a deranged murderer in a Santa suit killing families around the tree.

I’m driving home in a few days to spend New Year’s with my family before driving up to Saratoga Springs, NY, where I’ll spend a 6 week rotation in a compounding pharmacy. It’ll be a new experience in a new town and I’m rather looking forward to it.

The reason I post this (hysterical) sketch is because Brian Sacca, of the webseries “Pete and Brian”, actually played a minor role in “The Wolf of Wall Street” and I was just blown away when I recognized him on screen.


My rotation is done and oh man, I’m earning money again and it feels so good.

Winter has not been kind to us recently. We got fucked with freezing rain for about 3 days in a row. I’ve never seen this kind of ice in the 3 years I’ve lived here. Behold!



My car was entombed in a solid inch of ice in some places. Every time I’d clean it off, it would freeze again within hours. Bad news bears all around.

At work today, I got a Christmas card from HR. The joke here is that I don’t celebrate Christmas. Still, it was the first time I’ve ever gotten a Christmas card, and it was a nice gesture, even if every employee got one. All day, little old ladies would wish me a Merry Christmas as I handed them their pills, and it honestly warmed my embittered, cynical black heart so much. Merry Christmas to you too, little old ladies.

The holidays bum me out, but I think I’m alright. Tonight, I got together with a buddy, got hammered on cask strength Aberlour A’bunadh, ate nachos and watched “The Dark Knight Rises”. On a proper home theater setup, that movie can be heard over in the next county. Nachos and disturbing the peace aside, it’s important to spend time with other people during the holidays.

Lastly, I bet you guys all suck at Photoshop, so here are some protips:

The “dog” is taxation and the “bone” is reform

Inter…net. I’m sitting in a Starbucks on a cold December day, sipping on a gingerbread latte, and I can positively feel the spirit of Christmas coursing through my veins. Or possibly just a ton of sugar and caffeine. I have a few more days left of this rotation. I have a 20 minute presentation about hospice care tomorrow that’s currently only halfway written. Last night, I applied for a paid internship at a pharmaceutical company. It’s extremely exciting and now all I can do is put on a fresh pair of Depends and not shit my pants in suspense.

My brain is swimming with thoughts of this girl. This fucking girl who I’m inexplicably still connected with on social media for the sake of cordiality. I can see her Goddamn green circle on my Facebook chat window and it eats at me. There is no reason I shouldn’t just cut these ties like I did with the last one, and yet it almost feels like I’d be the immature one if I did that. Like I would “lose.” Fuck that noise. I thought this breakup would be different from the last and that we might stay in contact. NOOOOPE. I’m ignoring her just like the last one. Even if there are no outright bad feelings immediately post breakup, being cognizant of the fact that someone you used to fuck chose to fuck someone else (EVEN THOUGH YOU BOTH AGREED THAT WOULD BE FINE) causes bad feelings all on its own. It honestly all just boils down to not having your own steady supply of mutual orgasms. Again, fuck all of that noise both vertically and horizontally. I’ve got a date on Friday with a girl who speaks French and works in a bakery.

Lots of complex metaphors in this song.

2013: A Year In Review

2013 was a bipolar year. I spent the first quarter of it crawling out of a depression from a breakup late last year. Throughout the spring and summer, I went on a handful of dates with pretty girls that didn’t go anywhere. Each date did at least teach me about the importance of communication and how shitty two strangers can be at it.

Earlier in the year, I met a bombshell of a brunette in a coffee shop who gave me her number, texted me for a while and then stopped. It turned out she was in a relationship. So that contributed to some bewilderment. To ladies in relationships, don’t do this. Don’t give strange dudes your number if you’re committed to boning someone.

A few months later, I found a rolled up slip of paper in a coffee shop wall with a girl’s number on it, which led to a fun few days of texting and an enlightening discussion about male/female dynamics.

Towards the end of May, I met a girl at a party and decided to ask her out. So began an important few weeks in my life with Flaky Girl. Though it didn’t go anywhere, she was the first real date I went on since the big breakup and she really helped me pull myself together.

In July, I went on a date with a girl from Staten Island. We went for a walk in the park and ended up lost on a golf course in the middle of the night. It was pitch black and the only source of illumination around us were fireflies. Yeah, awww. Cool girl, although I just could not take her accent seriously. It felt like I was dating somebody from The Jersey Shore. Ridiculous.

My dating life was relatively quiet for the next few months while I was on rotation back home, though I did run into a gorgeous Polish girl I went to high school with. She’s gotten impossibly hotter since. Like DEFCON 1 hot. I honestly couldn’t get a damn word out of my mouth at the Starbucks. I felt like I was 16 years old all over again.

After getting back home, I met the girl I’d eventually go on to date for a few months. She was important. She was the first girl I ever cooked for. She was the first girl I ever took out for dinner, drinks, and a movie. She was the first one with who I ever sat on a porch, sipping tea and reading a newspaper.

Dating aside, I began to cook more for myself. Cooking in general has been a slow metamorphosis for me. I first started living on my own in late 2010 and my diet largely consisted of TV meals and McDonald’s. By 2011, I slowly started making bacon, eggs, and toast for breakfast and pasta for dinner. I also made a lot of frozen skillet meals, which were simultaneously easy to make and contained about a pound of salt per serving. 2013 was the year I branched out to start making raw stuff. I started slow, by buying frozen, raw and pre-seasoned chicken. And then recently, I actually cooked raw pre-seasoned/marinated tilapia and raw salmon for the first time. I was pretty proud of myself for not giving myself food poisoning. In time, maybe I’ll start seasoning raw stuff myself. Baby steps.

Through my rotations at school, I met a ton of new people this year. I learned how to communicate more effectively. I think I’m much more relaxed when talking to new people and I’m able to get organic conversations flowing easier.

I spent a lot of time this year in my own head, sorting out thoughts and skeletons, wondering about this and that. I came up with lots of theories, many that I’ve amended numerous times. Our pasts don’t leave us. Even though people will walk out, their ghosts remain. Sometimes, that can be difficult to live with. Coping with memories is an important skill to have for the sake of your own emotional health and 2013 gave me a ton of practice.

So there it is. 2013 in a nutshell. Here’s to a few more weeks of it and here’s to 2014.

Redheads, blondes, brunettes

I’m sitting in Dulles International Airport in Washington, D.C., an airport I remember sitting in about a year ago, heartbroken and listening to “Let It Die” by the Foo Fighters. It’s otherwise a fine airport. As I flew in, I saw breathtaking views of the Washington Monument and the Capitol.

I’m pretty bummed about leaving Florida. The weather was flawless. I felt an awful chill as I was walking off the plane in D.C. that reminded me that this was no longer the tropical paradise I had lived in for 5 days.

Last night was a great time. The TL;DR version was: I met a redhead, a blonde bought me a drink, and a brunette taught me The Wobble.

I met up with a few girls from my class and we went to the City Walk at Universal. We went to The Groove first and immediately I could tell this wasn’t my kind of place. I fucking hate clubs. I know, I’m as surprised as you are. A scotch sipping misanthrope like me not liking the club scene? It’s true. You couldn’t hear anything. The drink wait was literally 20-25 minutes. I paid $15 for 2 drinks. My favorite part about clubs is that the drinks are served in plastic cups, and I can’t think of anything better to drink whiskey out of. The experience could only be improved if perhaps the bartender gargled your drink first. After about an hour of listening to shitty club “hits”, I told my entourage that I was heading out.

Outside, I saw a cute redhead sitting by what I described as the phone charging and foot relief station. She was massaging her feet wrapped in black heels that could easily be registered as weapons. We got to chitchatting, and walked up to the Coconut Cafe where she introduced me to her friends. Her blonde friend bought me a drink. Then I got to chitchatting with a brunette from part of the same crew. After a few minutes, she said that she wanted to go dance to “The Wobble”. I said, “You’re gonna have to teach me.” As I came to learn, the dance mostly just involves shaking your ass. She said I was a natural. Ahem.

Oh well, back to the cold. Liquor helps.

This song is just beautiful.

I got a new computer and a bright future in sales

I got a 2nd round interview offer the other day! I had the 2nd round interview this morning! It’s at a really interesting company. I’d say more but I’m not at liberty because the internet is far too transparent for that kind of bullshit. Anyway, YES. Things are actually progressing. Now I have to do their online application schtick, get 3 letters of recommendation in asap before their deadline at the end of the month and then sit fingers crossed waiting for an onsite interview.

Speaking of internet transparency, I had a chilling thought the other day. My Twitter, though largely non identifying, can be pulled up with a simple Google search of my name, which employers all have. Hooooooly shit. I made that shit private quicker than a teenager shutting his laptop after hearing someone knock. I tweet dumb shit and though I keep it vague, I don’t need employers judging me on it. I always laughed at private Twitter accounts because it literally defeats the purpose of Twitter and social media, but I actually have a legitimate reason here. Guess I’ll have to abandon my dreams of being a Twitter superstar with a million followers.

The silence

Prompt: Write about a noise — or even a silence — that won’t go away. (We’ll let you interpret this in different ways…)

Oh yeah. I know all about that silence. That silence that becomes deafening at night when you’re trying to cling to the warm embrace of sleep. It’s the silence born of the fact that you can hear it from 3,000 miles away. It’s the mutual silence perpetuated by two guilty parties. It’s the silence grudgingly maintained despite burning thoughts of each other. It’s the silence of foolish pride and damaged egos. The silence of perceived slights. Sometimes that silence creeps up in your ear when you’re laying in bed with your lover. It breeds doubt. That silence can scream louder than anything, leaving your ears ringing for years. You soldier on. The silence will subside. You’ll fill it with the white noise of everyday life, new people, new love, fights, triumphs, conflicts, and tragedy. But the silence will slither into the crevices of your thoughts when you take a moment to breathe. It can always find you.

A stubborn heart remains unchanged I’m exhausted. 7 interviews today drained the fuck out of me. Still, a few interviews went really really well in my opinion. I think today’s batch went significantly better than yesterday’s too because I got more interviewing experience under my belt.

One company had hilarious questions. These included:

1. “What is your spirit animal?” I wasn’t too sure about this one. According to the Chinese calendar, I was born in the year of the snake and I was obsessed with snakes as a kid, so I said snake. That may not have landed as well as I would have hoped.

2. “If you could have one superpower what would it be?” Mind control. Definitely.

3. “If you could choose to switch lives with one person alive or dead, who would it be?” Wow, what a doozy. I had to think about this one. After some contemplation, I said, “Pierce Brosnan.” The interviewer was cracking the fuck up saying how out of left field that answer was. I mean come on, Pierce Brosnan is the fuckin’ man. That guy need only look at a woman to make her drenched panties drop. Plus, he’s my favorite Bond and I grew up with his movies. Also fun fact: he’s actually Irish and his Irish accent is possibly even more suave than his English one.

4. “There is a zombie apocalypse and you can have one thing. What would it be?” Time machine. Everybody says “machete” and that’s just boring. Effective, but not creative. Time machine just tumbled out of my mouth. To quote my interviewer: “You win.”

5. “If you had to eliminate one state entirely, what would it be?” Wow, getting political here! Gotta be careful not to offend anyone’s sensibilities here. I went with Montana because I figure there are more cows than people and it would involve the least amount of collateral damage. Neither of the interviewers were from Montana. But they both said that they would now Google Montana to find out what that state is actually known for.

So I got a totally great vibe from these guys and the company is actually pretty interesting too.

The other company just had a great interview because I had prior rapport with one of the people who work there and I just felt overall good chemistry. Fingers double crossed about hearing from these guys because I would love to work here.

With no 2nd round interviews offered as of yet, I’m sitting with one more 1st round interview left tomorrow afternoon. And that’s it. It’ll be weird waking up tomorrow whenever and getting some breakfast at Denny’s when the last 2 days have been packed with back to back interviews. Hm. Here’s hoping for some developments.

Business time

Long fuckin’ day, guys. Interviews were going to be scheduled today at 12. I knew that people would be there early, so I got my ass up at 6am and got to the convention center at 7:30 to be met with this:

That line extends about 50 feet. I eventually found that I was 117th in line. That means that 116 people got here before 7:30. One dude who was 68th got there at 7:00. Apparently, #3 in line was there at 5am. I really have no words. 117th wasn’t even half bad considering over 400 people came today. Even being 117th, I got all my interviews with the companies I wanted, 4 of which were today, and 7 of which are tomorrow.

I’d like to think the interviews went generally well. One question that caught me off guard was: “If you had to choose a drug that best describes you, what would it be?” What the fuck?! What an oddball question. I actually had to think about this one. I mean, you can’t say Viagra. “My attention is as erect as a boner!” After some thought, I went with Adderall. My reasoning? I’m very excitable and I tend to get very focused on projects, which Adderall helps with! BOOM. Nailed it.

After the last interview was over, I left the exhibit hall and loudly exhaled. Then I went to get some much deserved dinner.

BOOOOOOOOOOM. Garlic butter and white wine mussels with a dram of Lagavulin. Holy fucksticks I can’t remember the last time I enjoyed food this much.

Tomorrow’s another long ass day with my 1st interview at 8 and my last one at 4:30. Afterwards, I have just one more 1st round interview on Monday and then hopefully the 2nd round interviews start.