When I first came to LA, I met you the old fashioned way

This song’s pretty special.

Last night was weird. I went out to meet a buddy of mine and a few of his friends at a karaoke bar. He was supposed to bring along a cute chick that I happened to come across on the Tinder a few weeks back, who gave me the runaround. The bar was 40 minutes away because everything in New Jersey is 40 minutes away. I get to the bar, head inside and start looking for my buddy. I scan the room, turn around, and suddenly see the girl and her buddy sitting. I ask if they’re waiting for our mutual friend, introduce myself and join them. She doesn’t seem to give any obvious indication that she recognizes me from the Tinder, and I breathe a sigh of relief. About a half hour passes, and my buddy is still missing in action. We text and try to find where he is. After another half hour, he texts back saying he fell asleep and that he wasn’t going to make it. So here I was making small talk (something I enjoy about as much as cats enjoy being washed) with two complete fucking strangers. This wouldn’t be so bad if the girl in question was pleasant. On the contrary, this girl was easily the most obnoxious cunt I’ve met in a very long time. It was staggering. She had a very strong personality, which I can roll with (because I do like strong women), assuming there’s an interesting personality behind it. But there wasn’t. She wasn’t smart, her taste in music consisted of cabaret and country, and she was just grossly unpleasant. Worst of all, she wasn’t even that pretty in person. Her hair was a rat’s nest. Her face was haggard, pale and it was clear she had zero makeup. 

As she chit chatted with her friend and made inside jokes, I felt like the most vestigial, oblong, misshapen third wheel in the entire world. I asked standard questions that people ask those they’ve just met, and was met with halfhearted answers. Not once did she ask me anything about myself. Thankfully, her friend was cool and could actually hold some kind of conversation. 

The whole night could be equated to a soggy 5 second fart. The night’s saving grace was the fact that the radio was playing some awesome shit including a block of Meshuggah and some old Metallica.

I may have a date this weekend in Princeton with an engineer, so maybe that’ll fare better than this disaster.

ALSO. This is a wonderful, awful, incredible, destructive poem that needs attention: http://hellopoetry.com/poem/713498/submissions-to-post-secret/


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