It’s true what they say: plotting a breakup is a lot like plotting a murder. I just dumped the prettiest girl I ever dated. My dick hates me right now. She was beautiful, bright, and part of an abysmally dysfunctional family.

It’s the first time I’ve been the dumper and it does feel better than being dumped. I was going over in my head the entire day how I’d do it. I meticulously laid out the script. The actual conversation followed said script only loosely. I felt a lot worse about myself during the plotting phase than I actually do now that it’s over.

It was on the phone, which admittedly wasn’t the plan, but was probably for the best. Tears could be heard on the other end.

She asked me why and was violently defensive about every reason. She ended the call bitter and sardonic. Taking her abuse was the least I could do after wounding her ego. It’s probably not every day a pretty girl has the misfortune of being told that her company is no longer desirable.

I’m 25. I have no patience for shit that doesn’t make me happy.

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