Let me undress your insecurities
Kiss all your fears away

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Consequences

The consequences of humans bonding in adulthood are far reaching on a level I would never have predicted. None of this shit ever goes away. I think when I was younger, I figured that people we once dated kind of fall away in our minds and that they rarely, if ever, come up again. But no, my mind is not like that in the least. I think about every single person I dated. Regularly. Maybe it wouldn’t be as interesting of a topic if I fucked 20 people, but even girls that were in my life for a brief period (a week in one case, 2 in another) end up occupying mental real estate on a regular basis. I suppose social media is somewhat responsible. An unoccupied mind may also be a culprit. But hell, even at work, where I’m supposedly occupied, this shit eats up mental energy.

The point is that every bond we make as adults, no matter how seemingly innocuous, has consequences. People fuck with our spirits, they’re able to alter thought processes. And the reverse holds true as well. I feel bad for every girl I’ve inadvertently fucked up with my actions, no matter how well intentioned or even indirect. Some girl I dated like 7 months ago recently blocked me on Twitter, in an act of such bewildering aggression I could hardly even understand it. We hadn’t talked in months, but apparently something was happening in her world sphere, through no doing of my own, that was creating so much pressure, the only way to alleviate it was by an arbitrary act of internet passive aggression.

I’m not sure I’ll ever fully understand how human beings influence each other. All I know is that it goes far deeper than we think.

poetryjournal

I kind of liked how I left this scene last night. (I wasn’t drinking wine at 10am).

Decent cabernet too.

     One hot summer day when they had gone to the Park they watched a small monkey which had escaped from its owner and was up in a tall elm tree. Its little black face in a crown of gray fluff peered out of the green leaves, then was gone and a branch rustled and shook several feet higher. In vain did its master try to tempt it down by means of a soft whistle, a large yellow banana, a pocket mirror which he flashed and flashed.

     “It won’t come back, it’s hopeless; it will never come back,” she murmured, and burst into tears.

– “Laughter in the Dark”, Vladimir Nabokov

You can spend life in many ways,
Analyzing or distracted in a daze
These truths may be self evident,
But perceptions are realities bent
You seek assurances from within,
But permanence never truly sinks in

I read books, watch movies and listen to music, all of which fuels fresh analysis and brewing thoughts on a regular basis. And I notice that the idea of permanence is something that I accept more as a theory than a fact, like the Higgs boson versus gravity; I know it probably exists, I just can’t appreciate it.

There was a dream last night. It was a sort of 2D videogame dream, something like Contra, where there’s a bandana’d badass with a machinegun running around. He was climbing the outside of a building, climbed through a window, and then the dream turned 3D and resembled the gameplay of Max Payne.

The guy ran in when suddenly, glass shattered and in ran a bunch of humanoid dogs armed to the teeth (pun lolol), and started shooting at him! He got behind cover and started shooting back, and that’s all I remember.

I get the Max Payne influence because I just got done with Max Payne 3 recently, and I guess dogs filtered because I am thinking about fluffy dogs on a regular Goddamned basis.

The neat thing about this dream was that I was spectating. Some dreams are like this. Usually I’m a participant. Neat stuff.